What I want to be when I grow up....

First let me say that I suck at blogging (but Christmasdoesntsuck.com) as it's been well over a year since I last blogged. However, I'm not sure that anyone missed it as I don't think anyone is following it. That being said the following continuation of my sporadic blogging will probably be merely for my benefit alone, but I would appreciate any and all thoughts, advice, suggestions, and feedback in general from anyone that might happen upon this. Okay, on to the "good stuff."

I have always wondered what my purpose is here on earth. And as I got older and learned about other people's passions I wondered just what God had gifted me with a passion for. As a child I wanted to be a singer. As a young adult I thought being a doctor was the path I was to choose. When I fell in love and got married I decided that I wanted to be a mother more than I wanted to be a healer and gave up on my MD dreams. I still finished my pre-med/biology degree with hopes that someday I'd find a way to use it. As a young mother I wondered if that was all there was for me, to be a mother, and I decided that was fine. God had blessed me abundantly and who am I to question His plans for me. Besides, I could be raising the next president or scientist that finds the cure for cancer.

Since I'd abandoned my career dreams for something better yet there have been times when I've needed to contribute to the household pocketbook, I have had a few different jobs. I was a CNA in high school and college, I was a cashier at Dillons a couple times as well as Target, I even took airline reservations in college, and I almost fell into the pharmacy world as a technician. Now I've liked most of these jobs and my current pharmacy technician job specializing in barcoding is something I enjoy most days, but I've never considered myself passionate about any of them. When I began decorating cakes I thought perhaps that was my calling and although I think I have a talent for it, I don't think it's my passion. I fell in love with rubber stamping and have spent a lot of pretty pennies on those supplies, but yet I wouldn't call that a passion (especially since I've rarely found time to do it in the last 4 years). I love music, but my love for it is not nearly as deep, complete, and all encompassing as the few musicians I know so I know it's not a passion either. The hat I've worn and loved the very most is that of mother. I loved staying home with my children when I was able and would be overwhelming glad to do so again if I could manage to get us out of the debt I've put us under.

But my world rocked, rolled, and flipped over yesterday. All so unexpected yet welcomed with open arms. I have been rather cranky at and about work the last week or so since I was turned down for a coordinator position. I thought I had left it in God's hands, but upon rejection I discovered I had not done a very good job with that. I've never dealt well with rejection and my mind has been busy thinking up all the reasons why "I'm not good enough." All I wanted to do was let it go, but each time I thought of it I'd get all worked up and upset about it all over again. I was beginning to question my faith big time. My belief in Him, his timing, and His plan for me did not waver, but I thought I wanted that position so badly that I couldn't let it go. So, as I was packaging the bulk bottles of pills all by my lonesome I had some good time to think. My thoughts turned to really not wanting to be in my current job anymore and finding something else, anything else, just so I didn't have to face the reminders of my rejection every single day I came to work. I was asking God to send something my way that I could see myself doing long term because I definitely don't want to be a pharmacy technician for the rest of my life. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it, but that's not where I see myself, nor where I want to be forever.

And that's when it hit me like a strong Kansas wind. Midwife. That was it. Midwife. I don't know if I actually heard the voice of God over the packaging machine or not, but the impact of that single word or be it, thought, was greater than anything I'd experienced recently. So I began to ponder it and all it entailed. It has been all I can think about for the last 36 hours or so. I've began to research the possibilities and the excitement growing inside me has grown and grown so much that I'm having to try and contain it so that I don't disappoint myself if things don't work out. I find myself wondering, however, was it really God or the devil or my own mind that originated this idea? If it's God I certainly don't want to doubt Him nor question Him nor test Him by asking Him to "give me a sign," but I can't jump head first into something this major without looking first. So we've been talking A LOT...err, I've been talking A LOT to Him about it all and trying hard to listen.

As I've had plenty more time to think as I work I have fallen in love with everything about being a nurse-midwife. It's as if my entire life has lead to this without me even realizing it. I began to think about what it is I love, love, love and that's when I start to get excited. I love, love, love babies! Perhaps that's one of the reason I had 5! I would love to have more, but those babies grow up and although I'll always love each and every one of my beautiful, smart children, the baby stage has and always will be my favorite stage of their lives. Then when I think about babies I think about how I loved childbirth. I know, I'm weird, but the experience each time, although incredibly painful, was simply amazing, incredible, magnificent! And I never minded getting to do it again. I love helping people with my time and utilizing my knowledge to make their life better. I also think about how much I love the medical field. Have I just been searching for the right area of the medical field to be passionate about?

Yes, that's what it feels like right now. Like I've discovered what I want to be when I grow up, what I'm passionate about, what I've been called to do, the plan God has had for me all along. It all adds up to right now, December 2011. It all makes sense. I was meant to be in the medical field, just not a doctor. I was meant to be a mother so I'd know not only the joy of my own children, but realize that I want to help other women in the most amazing miracle of their lives. I want to help children come into this world as I care for not only them, but their mothers in every way I can with the best care I know I could give. That's the height of my excitement and I can barely contain it.

Then the logistics of it start entering my thoughts. Can a passion really come upon you that fast? Has it been there all along and I just didn't put the puzzle pieces together? Why has it taken me so long to figure it all out? Or have I fabricated all this in my own mind? How in the world would we ever be able to pay for the additional schooling I'd need (BSN and then master's degrees)? Is this really of God and not of this world?

And that's when I start praying,

Dear Heavenly Father, I have often dreamed of finding my passion, my calling, my purpose here on earth and I want nothing more in this life than to go where you want me to go and to do what you want me to do. Is this why I'm here? Is this Your plan? I don't want to doubt you. I don't want to ask these questions, but this is such a big, life-changing decision. I know you don't want my family to suffer for me and this seems so selfish for me to chase this when I have responsibilities to all of them. I so wish that it would be perfectly clear, Your plan for me that is. I wish there was a flashing sign telling me what to do, but Your voice is not so loud and Your ways are so mysterious to me. I wonder why I couldn't have figured this all out years ago when it would have been easier on all of us, but I know Your timing is perfect. This has become my newest dream for myself and I so badly want it to be of You. I find myself wanting to give up everything for this dream. I would gladly sell all my rubber stamps and most of my cake decorating supplies to make this dream a reality. I will forgo the iPad and camera I want to make this dream come true. I have NEVER felt this way before. Never willing to give all that up for anything. But then I also think, why can't I feel this passion I'm feeling for nurse-wifery for YOU? I want to burn for you like this is burning in my body, mind, and soul. Why am I not willing to give up everything for you? Does it mean my faith is not what I think it is? Does it mean my relationship with you is no where near where it should be? Don't answer that last part, I know the answer, no, it's not. Oh Lord, I only want for me what You want for me. I want to be your hands and feet. I want to serve in Your name alone. Please, Lord, help me to figure this all out. Help me to make the right decision. I don't trust myself to say I'm leaving it all in Your hands, but that is what I truly want. So I will be still. I will take time to listen. I will wait for You. Where you want me to go, I'll go. What you want me to do, I'll do. Send me. In Your son's holy name I pray, Amen.

So that's where I'm at now. Feeling like I've found my passion for the first time in my life. Questioning it's validity even though that's the last thing I want to do. A friend called me last night to tell me that she thought a dream she had months ago where she thought I was pregnant again, she now interprets differently and believes it was telling her that this is what I'm supposed to do. "Bring babies into the world" is what she said. I'll continue to research and try to figure out a way to make it happen as though it truly is God's call until I know otherwise. I will continue to pray and listen for that still small voice. Oh to hear the voice of God.

Like I said in the beginning, I welcome any thoughts/ideas/advice/suggestions. And may God bless you and yours always. And may all YOUR dreams come true.