Death of a dream....

but first let me give you a quick update on my "passion." Well, since I refuse to go into debt to go back to school and we have not quite reached financial peace yet, I have had to put this desire on hold. I also discovered that all of the Wichita hospitals require a doctor be present at all births so midwife attended births are not allowed. Thus the reason for only one midwife in town. So, not only do I have to find the money to go back to school, I have to figure out how to convince the hospitals to allow midwifes to be the soul medical professional at births. So, long-term holding pattern for now as I continue the most important passion I could ever have, RAISING OUR CHILDREN!

As it turns out I am NOT a good blogger. Surprise! Surprise! I just don't blog for other people, I blog for me. When I have something I find hard to talk about or upsetting it is therapeutic for me to write it out. Thus, I don't blog often because I don't feel so strongly about something very often. But today was one of those days when it seems the only thing I can do to try to talk myself out of the slump I'm feeling.

Without going into the painful details, I can say simply this. I have a had a dream for as long as I can remember. I chose to think that somehow, some way it was God's calling on one aspect of my life. Nothing ever seemed to work out in this area so I was patient. Now anyone who truly knows me knows that I am NOT a patient person. Never have been. But I left this in His hands choosing to believe that it was a matter of His timing and not mine. Now, I use the term "chose" specifically because it was painfully obvious today that it was a choice I made to believe what I believed. It was not actually His will, but mine...a dream really. So, today I was faced with letting that dream go for the last time. It won't be easy but I can clearly see that it was not of Him. It will take much time and prayer and time and prayer to get through this and I know it will continue to pain me for quite some time.

Now, you may ask how it became so clear to me today that it was not His will, right? Well, things have just not lined up for quite some time. Opportunities quickly disappeared each time they were presented. I was faced with rejection time and time again, but I always told myself it was a matter of His timing instead of mine. (Sidenote: I don't take rejection easily at all. Very difficult for me dating back to the 4th grade.) Today, as I was talking to Him it became clear that He is ALWAYS good and He does not want to see me in the pain that all this has caused me. He would not bring this to within arm's reach and then yank it back and laugh, yet that is what has been happening. I believe He is not cruel like that, I know He is not. So all these years satan has been dangling this carrot in front of me and pulling it back repeatedly just to see my pain and what I would do. Well, today I choose to take that power away from him. I'm reclaiming it for my God. I WILL NOT be made to feel this way any longer. Not gonna happen overnight, but it WILL happen.

Along with this is going to bring about some changes in my life. I apologize in advance to those that may feel the repercussions of all this. I do not take any of the decisions I must make lightly, but will make the best choices for what is good for my family and I and most importantly my Lord.

Signs & Wonders

So yesterday at work while I was busy packaging and dreaming of the future I was listening to music on my iPod. I had the urge to listen to Casting Crowns - Come to the Well album, but I didn't stop and turn it on. This morning as I began packaging and I turned on my music again I remembered that desire to listen to that album. This time I listened and played it. On shuffle, I enjoyed the first couple songs and then came "Already There". I've loved that song sing the first time I heard it and always identified with it very much, but today was different. Today the identification went to a new level. Here are the lyrics:

From where I'm standing
Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control

Oh, oh

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

Oh, oh, oh, oh

From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit (x2)

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
Cause You're already there
You're already there
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

You are already there

The tears of joy began as soon as I heard the lines,

"One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit (x2)"

That's exactly what I feel like I've been doing the last 2 days. Examining my life so far and fitting all the pieces together. Seems like a sign to me and I was overwhelmed. But then that song ended and "The well" started. Singing:

Leave it all behind,
Leave it all behind,
Leave it all behind,
Leave it all behind,

I have what you need,
But you keep on searchin,
I've done all the work,
But you keep on workin,
When you're runnin on empty,
And you can't find the remedy,
Just come to the well.

You can spend your whole life,
Chasin what's missing,
But that empty inside,
It just ain't gonna listen.
When nothing can satisfy,
And the world leaves you high and dry,
Just come to the well

[CHORUS:]
And all who thirst will thirst no more,
And all who search will find what their souls long for,
The world will try, but it can never fill,
So leave it all behind, and come to the well

So bring me your heart
No matter how broken,
Just come as you are,
When your last prayer is spoken,
Just rest in my arms a while,
You'll feel the change my child,
When you come to the well

[CHORUS:]
And all who thirst will thirst no more,
And all who search will find what their souls long for,
The world will try, but it can never fill,
So leave it all behind, and come to the well

Yeah
Leave it all behind

The world will try, but it can never fill... leave it all behind

And now that you're full,
Of love beyond measure,
Your joy's gonna flow,
Like a stream in the desert,
Soon all the world will see that living water is found in me,
Cuz you came to the well

[CHORUS:]
And all who thirst will thirst no more,
And all who search will find what their souls long for,
The world will try, but it can never fill,
So leave it all behind, and come to the well

[Outro:] leave it all behind, leave it all behind... [repeat]

Now I feel like I've been at the well most of my life. Sure there were times when I strayed, but I've always believed, always trusted Him. But when I heard these words today they took on a new meaning. It was like He was telling me He's prepared everything for me and I just need to go with it. Another sign?

I also wondered about His timing again. Why now? Why did it take so long? And then I began to think about the kids. I've not done all my research, but I think it would take me 3-4 years to become a midwife. When are all my kids in school all day? In 3.5 years! So I could still work part-time while I have little ones at home while I work the plan and then when they're all in school I'd be done. I could then work full-time and not worry about daycare because Devon and Brendan would be old enough to watch the other 3 for a little bit after school until I got home. Another puzzle piece falls in place?

Wow! I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings...that is after I get some much needed sleep. I can't believe I've blogged two days in a row and if nothing else this will be a nice journal for my family and I to look back on when we're farther down the road of life.

What I want to be when I grow up....

First let me say that I suck at blogging (but Christmasdoesntsuck.com) as it's been well over a year since I last blogged. However, I'm not sure that anyone missed it as I don't think anyone is following it. That being said the following continuation of my sporadic blogging will probably be merely for my benefit alone, but I would appreciate any and all thoughts, advice, suggestions, and feedback in general from anyone that might happen upon this. Okay, on to the "good stuff."

I have always wondered what my purpose is here on earth. And as I got older and learned about other people's passions I wondered just what God had gifted me with a passion for. As a child I wanted to be a singer. As a young adult I thought being a doctor was the path I was to choose. When I fell in love and got married I decided that I wanted to be a mother more than I wanted to be a healer and gave up on my MD dreams. I still finished my pre-med/biology degree with hopes that someday I'd find a way to use it. As a young mother I wondered if that was all there was for me, to be a mother, and I decided that was fine. God had blessed me abundantly and who am I to question His plans for me. Besides, I could be raising the next president or scientist that finds the cure for cancer.

Since I'd abandoned my career dreams for something better yet there have been times when I've needed to contribute to the household pocketbook, I have had a few different jobs. I was a CNA in high school and college, I was a cashier at Dillons a couple times as well as Target, I even took airline reservations in college, and I almost fell into the pharmacy world as a technician. Now I've liked most of these jobs and my current pharmacy technician job specializing in barcoding is something I enjoy most days, but I've never considered myself passionate about any of them. When I began decorating cakes I thought perhaps that was my calling and although I think I have a talent for it, I don't think it's my passion. I fell in love with rubber stamping and have spent a lot of pretty pennies on those supplies, but yet I wouldn't call that a passion (especially since I've rarely found time to do it in the last 4 years). I love music, but my love for it is not nearly as deep, complete, and all encompassing as the few musicians I know so I know it's not a passion either. The hat I've worn and loved the very most is that of mother. I loved staying home with my children when I was able and would be overwhelming glad to do so again if I could manage to get us out of the debt I've put us under.

But my world rocked, rolled, and flipped over yesterday. All so unexpected yet welcomed with open arms. I have been rather cranky at and about work the last week or so since I was turned down for a coordinator position. I thought I had left it in God's hands, but upon rejection I discovered I had not done a very good job with that. I've never dealt well with rejection and my mind has been busy thinking up all the reasons why "I'm not good enough." All I wanted to do was let it go, but each time I thought of it I'd get all worked up and upset about it all over again. I was beginning to question my faith big time. My belief in Him, his timing, and His plan for me did not waver, but I thought I wanted that position so badly that I couldn't let it go. So, as I was packaging the bulk bottles of pills all by my lonesome I had some good time to think. My thoughts turned to really not wanting to be in my current job anymore and finding something else, anything else, just so I didn't have to face the reminders of my rejection every single day I came to work. I was asking God to send something my way that I could see myself doing long term because I definitely don't want to be a pharmacy technician for the rest of my life. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it, but that's not where I see myself, nor where I want to be forever.

And that's when it hit me like a strong Kansas wind. Midwife. That was it. Midwife. I don't know if I actually heard the voice of God over the packaging machine or not, but the impact of that single word or be it, thought, was greater than anything I'd experienced recently. So I began to ponder it and all it entailed. It has been all I can think about for the last 36 hours or so. I've began to research the possibilities and the excitement growing inside me has grown and grown so much that I'm having to try and contain it so that I don't disappoint myself if things don't work out. I find myself wondering, however, was it really God or the devil or my own mind that originated this idea? If it's God I certainly don't want to doubt Him nor question Him nor test Him by asking Him to "give me a sign," but I can't jump head first into something this major without looking first. So we've been talking A LOT...err, I've been talking A LOT to Him about it all and trying hard to listen.

As I've had plenty more time to think as I work I have fallen in love with everything about being a nurse-midwife. It's as if my entire life has lead to this without me even realizing it. I began to think about what it is I love, love, love and that's when I start to get excited. I love, love, love babies! Perhaps that's one of the reason I had 5! I would love to have more, but those babies grow up and although I'll always love each and every one of my beautiful, smart children, the baby stage has and always will be my favorite stage of their lives. Then when I think about babies I think about how I loved childbirth. I know, I'm weird, but the experience each time, although incredibly painful, was simply amazing, incredible, magnificent! And I never minded getting to do it again. I love helping people with my time and utilizing my knowledge to make their life better. I also think about how much I love the medical field. Have I just been searching for the right area of the medical field to be passionate about?

Yes, that's what it feels like right now. Like I've discovered what I want to be when I grow up, what I'm passionate about, what I've been called to do, the plan God has had for me all along. It all adds up to right now, December 2011. It all makes sense. I was meant to be in the medical field, just not a doctor. I was meant to be a mother so I'd know not only the joy of my own children, but realize that I want to help other women in the most amazing miracle of their lives. I want to help children come into this world as I care for not only them, but their mothers in every way I can with the best care I know I could give. That's the height of my excitement and I can barely contain it.

Then the logistics of it start entering my thoughts. Can a passion really come upon you that fast? Has it been there all along and I just didn't put the puzzle pieces together? Why has it taken me so long to figure it all out? Or have I fabricated all this in my own mind? How in the world would we ever be able to pay for the additional schooling I'd need (BSN and then master's degrees)? Is this really of God and not of this world?

And that's when I start praying,

Dear Heavenly Father, I have often dreamed of finding my passion, my calling, my purpose here on earth and I want nothing more in this life than to go where you want me to go and to do what you want me to do. Is this why I'm here? Is this Your plan? I don't want to doubt you. I don't want to ask these questions, but this is such a big, life-changing decision. I know you don't want my family to suffer for me and this seems so selfish for me to chase this when I have responsibilities to all of them. I so wish that it would be perfectly clear, Your plan for me that is. I wish there was a flashing sign telling me what to do, but Your voice is not so loud and Your ways are so mysterious to me. I wonder why I couldn't have figured this all out years ago when it would have been easier on all of us, but I know Your timing is perfect. This has become my newest dream for myself and I so badly want it to be of You. I find myself wanting to give up everything for this dream. I would gladly sell all my rubber stamps and most of my cake decorating supplies to make this dream a reality. I will forgo the iPad and camera I want to make this dream come true. I have NEVER felt this way before. Never willing to give all that up for anything. But then I also think, why can't I feel this passion I'm feeling for nurse-wifery for YOU? I want to burn for you like this is burning in my body, mind, and soul. Why am I not willing to give up everything for you? Does it mean my faith is not what I think it is? Does it mean my relationship with you is no where near where it should be? Don't answer that last part, I know the answer, no, it's not. Oh Lord, I only want for me what You want for me. I want to be your hands and feet. I want to serve in Your name alone. Please, Lord, help me to figure this all out. Help me to make the right decision. I don't trust myself to say I'm leaving it all in Your hands, but that is what I truly want. So I will be still. I will take time to listen. I will wait for You. Where you want me to go, I'll go. What you want me to do, I'll do. Send me. In Your son's holy name I pray, Amen.

So that's where I'm at now. Feeling like I've found my passion for the first time in my life. Questioning it's validity even though that's the last thing I want to do. A friend called me last night to tell me that she thought a dream she had months ago where she thought I was pregnant again, she now interprets differently and believes it was telling her that this is what I'm supposed to do. "Bring babies into the world" is what she said. I'll continue to research and try to figure out a way to make it happen as though it truly is God's call until I know otherwise. I will continue to pray and listen for that still small voice. Oh to hear the voice of God.

Like I said in the beginning, I welcome any thoughts/ideas/advice/suggestions. And may God bless you and yours always. And may all YOUR dreams come true.

Evangelist...

I'm not! Sharing my faith in an upfront and obvious way is hard for me. I can't remember a day the Lord wasn't in my life and my faith is very strong. My relationship with Him could use improvement, but what Christian wouldn't want to be closer with Him no matter how close they already are?

That being said, I had the opportunity a couple weeks ago to have a theological discussion with a couple co-workers of mine. I don't know they'd define themselves as atheist, but definitely agnostic. I don't even remember how the conversation started there in the packaging room as we made omeprazole and GI cocktail, but it was a start. They both spoke of the end of the world coming in 2012. I've not seen the movie so it's hard for me to comment on that, but when one person says she's heard that the year 2012 is in the bible then I do have to speak up there. We talked of the end of the world as we know it, at least, and they both admitted to having given it serious consideration as to if they wanted to have children before 2013. It was then that I realized just how much I trust the Lord and believe that the rapture will happen before anything like that can happen and I will be gone, along with my children and all the other believers. I have no fear on this matter what so ever. I believe so strongly that He will protect me and my children that I'm not scared at all. Will there be trials and tribulations that we will face before the rapture? Of course! Will there be times when we have to stand up for God and face possible punishment for our beliefs? Quite possibly. But I love Him and believe in Him so strongly and without even a shred of doubt that I am at peace.

My co-workers spoke of TV specials they'd seen on the Mayans and how they all disappeared at once, how the pyramids are placed perfectly in line with other objects in the universe, how those pyramids could not possibly been made in the time frames they are supposedly made as told by scientific experts, and how many other man made structures and such just can't be justified scientifically. Despite all that evidence they just laid before me that, to me, proves the existence of God, they still doubt. We talked about hell and one said to me, "Maybe we're living in hell now." I shrugged my shoulders because I didn't know exactly what to say and I like to think before I speak. But later that day when I thought back on it I wanted to rewind the day and go back to say that there is no possible way we are all living in hell right now. I've seen too many miracles first hand and there will be no miracles in hell for miracles are works of God and hell is void of Him. I hope to someday be able to say that without it all sounding weird to them. I believe God will give me the time and place to do so, so I'll wait. I know there was more we talked about, but my memory fails me now. I just remember afterwards feeling so great about my faith. Hoping that God was saying those words I long to hear more than any other, "Well done, good and faithful servant." I'd never done anything like that before. Usually I just sit back and listen while in my head arguing the truth. I didn't have an option this time. There was only the three of us and I didn't have the option of being silent. God didn't give me that option this time. And I'm glad He didn't. It felt good to share and to be able to say I didn't know about something and feel okay with that answer. I think I've always been afraid that someone would ask me a question that I didn't have the answer for and so I just didn't put myself in the position to be asked. But this time I was okay with not knowing and just answering with what I do know. I hope I gave them something to think about. A different view on the all the TV specials they'd seen. So perhaps the next one they watch they'll not blindly believe what the scientists say and have another angle to look at.

So that was a couple weeks ago. And last week my co-workers were about to drive me insane. I am one of the oldest techs in the pharmacy and the oldest one on my shift, including my supervisor. Last week I found myself annoyed to no end with their immaturity. The topics they choose to discuss and the way they like to spend their time is probably typical for their generation - of which I am a part - but it all seems so juvenile. Now I don't know if any of them will read this or not, but it's not that I dislike them, because I like most of them, but I long for an adult atmosphere at work. I just want to look at them and say, "Grow up! Be and act like the adult you're supposed to be. This is not junior high or even high school. It's time to mature." If anyone has any ideas on how better to deal with this situation I would appreciate any and all suggestions.

Now fast forward to today. I had a good day and can see the results of my hard work as I sit here typing this. Although I had lots more to get done today, it will still be there when I get home from work tomorrow and I'll work on it then. Sometime this afternoon I read a very heart-warming email and liked it so much I forwarded it. Now I don't forward very many emails anymore because I don't like to receive a lot of them so I don't put that on my friends and family either. However, every once in a while there is one I just have to share. Usually it's the ones that pull on my mommy-heart strings, which this one did. I was just about to call it a day and I checked my email one last time to find an email from my sister-in-law stating that she is an atheist and would appreciate it if I did not send her anymore of emails about religion. Wow! She was just baptized a few years ago and I can remember how happy her mother was, but I guess that's why she did it because it obviously was not because she believed at all. I knew my niece-in-law calls herself and atheist, but I had no idea my sister-in-law did too. This breaks my heart and upsets me very much. I cringe at the thought of offending anyone, especially family. And had I sent my sister-in-law repeated "religious" emails and she finally had enough and sent me the email I received tonight I could kind of understand it, but I haven't done that. I rarely email her at all because she's never liked me, but I just try to keep the peace the best I can. I do care about her and love her so this upsets me a lot even though I know the feelings are not mutual. So, I have a lot of praying to do for these two young women before Jesus returns. I don't want anyone to go through the hell on earth that will happen after the rapture, but especially family. I want to see them all in heaven someday.

Well, I have to be to up for work in a few hours. I have been meaning to write this all down for awhile now, but after that email I knew I had to stay up and do it NOW! It couldn't wait any longer. Somehow it feels better to put it on down in words. It helps me work through it all. So now I'm off to bed but not before saying some heavy duty prayers. And if you're one of those lost souls, I'll be praying for you too.

B...B....B....Busy

I know I haven't been blogging regularly, but truly, did you expect anything more from me? It seems I've been too busy to even sleep lately. I think I'm averaging 5 hours a night these days :( So, let's see what's happened in the last month or so.....
Mid-march I attended a 2 day training session for Wilton cake decorating so I am now a certified trained instructor. There are some exciting things starting in June so I had to go find out all about. I wish I could say more, but I'm sworn to secrecy till May 8th.

My last post was the wedding cake I did last month. That was fun and rewarding.

The kids are keeping me busy as usual. Brendan and Devon continue their music lessons. Brendan on guitar and Devon on piano. They have a hard time remembering to practice..hmm, wonder where they get that from :P....but are doing well regardless. They are both having fun in scouts as well.

Brendan, Devon, and Bailey are preparing for the summer ball season. Bailey is sooo excited to play t-ball and it's going to be hard to keep Garrett of the field as he always wants to do what everyone else does, especially Bailey.

Bailey is also very excited to start kindergarten in the fall. He got his physical and shots earlier this week. We get to pre-enroll him this next Friday. And once again, it's going to be hard on Garrett to not join him. I'm seeing lots of tears in August from that little man.

Garrett is finally potty-trained. That seemed to take forever! He was so close twice before and had set-backs, but I'm 99.9% sure we're done now. He hasn't had an accident in weeks! 4 down, one to go then no more diapers in this house, yay!

MacKenzie started walking almost a month ago and improves all the time. She's even starting to climb things. And talk about slimming down once she really got moving. I do not remember any of the other 4 slimming down as much as she has. We started her on vitamin D milk shortly after her birthday, but it gave her terrible diarrhea so we switched to soy. Jeremy accidently bought organic whole milk once and so we went ahead and tried it. It didn't cause the diarrhea so we decided to try the vitamin D again. But, the diarrhea started again and this time there was a rash around her mid-section. Back to soy! And I need to get her into the doctor to discuss this. Cheese, yogurt, pudding, and ice cream don't seem to bother her, just the vitamin D. Perhaps there is a preservative in it that is causing the problem.

I'm still keeping busy with work 3 days a week and teaching once or twice a week. I have been blessed to get every Sunday off from work now so I can enjoy going to church EVERY week. I love it! I tend to make 2 or 3 cakes a month these days. I'm currently preparing to make one for a fundraiser for the arts called Tunes on the Tarmac. The theme is fire and ice and I know exactly what I'm doing. Now let's hope it comes out like I envision it. I usually get my inspiration from somewhere else, but this cake is coming 100% from me.

Well, that sure doesn't make it sound like I should be that busy, but I am. And now I'm ready to call it a night.

Newest endeavor

Well, I know it's been awhile, but I've been busy (as usual) preparing for my latest cake creation. I've done several tiered and/or stacked cakes, but this was my official first wedding cake..complete with the official label. I was so excited about it and I'm still flying high even though it has long since been devoured. Did it require a lot of work? Yes. Did I learn anything? Yes, fondant ribbons are hard, next time I'm going to use chocolate clay. Did I have fun? Yes. Was it worth it? Oh you betcha! Will it be my last wedding cake? Lord willing, I pray it is not!

So who was the brave soul to let me do their wedding cake without any other wedding cakes in my portfolio? My cousin Steve and his gal, Angela. They have simple taste so they chose a simple, yet elegant cake. It was an all white cake with buttercream filling and frosting under homemade fondant. It was adorned with a fondant ribbon, fondant leaves, chocolate roses, and chocolate pearls. I received many compliments which always makes a girl feel good, but I couldn't have done it without the Lord my God. He is the reason I can do something like that. Thank you Lord.

Well, without further ado, here is the picture (although I think it was much better in real life):

My baby is one!

It's been a week and half since my baby turned one. She is growing faster than I could have imagined. Sure, they all have grown fast, but I think knowing she is the last baby I will ever have makes it seem to go that much faster. I keep asking her to slow down and stay my baby, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. She's so active now the only time I get to hold her is when she's sleeping. Every other time I hold her she's so active she just wiggles all over the place.

Well, we had her party a week ago and so I thought I'd share her cake with you. I got the idea from one of my cake heroes, Sharon Zambito. I hope you like it.



Well, I have many more things to do before I can get to bed tonight so I better stop playing and get to work.