Death of a dream....

but first let me give you a quick update on my "passion." Well, since I refuse to go into debt to go back to school and we have not quite reached financial peace yet, I have had to put this desire on hold. I also discovered that all of the Wichita hospitals require a doctor be present at all births so midwife attended births are not allowed. Thus the reason for only one midwife in town. So, not only do I have to find the money to go back to school, I have to figure out how to convince the hospitals to allow midwifes to be the soul medical professional at births. So, long-term holding pattern for now as I continue the most important passion I could ever have, RAISING OUR CHILDREN!

As it turns out I am NOT a good blogger. Surprise! Surprise! I just don't blog for other people, I blog for me. When I have something I find hard to talk about or upsetting it is therapeutic for me to write it out. Thus, I don't blog often because I don't feel so strongly about something very often. But today was one of those days when it seems the only thing I can do to try to talk myself out of the slump I'm feeling.

Without going into the painful details, I can say simply this. I have a had a dream for as long as I can remember. I chose to think that somehow, some way it was God's calling on one aspect of my life. Nothing ever seemed to work out in this area so I was patient. Now anyone who truly knows me knows that I am NOT a patient person. Never have been. But I left this in His hands choosing to believe that it was a matter of His timing and not mine. Now, I use the term "chose" specifically because it was painfully obvious today that it was a choice I made to believe what I believed. It was not actually His will, but mine...a dream really. So, today I was faced with letting that dream go for the last time. It won't be easy but I can clearly see that it was not of Him. It will take much time and prayer and time and prayer to get through this and I know it will continue to pain me for quite some time.

Now, you may ask how it became so clear to me today that it was not His will, right? Well, things have just not lined up for quite some time. Opportunities quickly disappeared each time they were presented. I was faced with rejection time and time again, but I always told myself it was a matter of His timing instead of mine. (Sidenote: I don't take rejection easily at all. Very difficult for me dating back to the 4th grade.) Today, as I was talking to Him it became clear that He is ALWAYS good and He does not want to see me in the pain that all this has caused me. He would not bring this to within arm's reach and then yank it back and laugh, yet that is what has been happening. I believe He is not cruel like that, I know He is not. So all these years satan has been dangling this carrot in front of me and pulling it back repeatedly just to see my pain and what I would do. Well, today I choose to take that power away from him. I'm reclaiming it for my God. I WILL NOT be made to feel this way any longer. Not gonna happen overnight, but it WILL happen.

Along with this is going to bring about some changes in my life. I apologize in advance to those that may feel the repercussions of all this. I do not take any of the decisions I must make lightly, but will make the best choices for what is good for my family and I and most importantly my Lord.