So, it turns out I'm not as good at this as I thought I'd be. I should have known better. How many times did I start a journal growing up and never got very far before I forgot it or got too busy. But I am determined to do better. I am determined to put my thoughts, hopes, dreams, and random mumblings on "paper". If for no one else but for my children. Because someday they may just want to know their mother better than they already do. I know I want to know my mother and father better and it's hard to get that conversation rolling. With my Mom I've tried a "grandmother's memoirs" book, but I'll bet ya a million dollars it's still empty. I want to hear stories from my father's life, but I just can't figure out a good way to bring it up.
Anyways, I did a lot of reflecting on myself and this thing I call my life last night. I followed a link KLOVE put on facebook to a blog by the wife of one of the members of Selah. I couldn't just start at the current day as there was too much history to catch up on so I started at the beginning. Angie is a beautiful writer. I only wish I could be as elegant as she is with her words. I can only wish I had the insight into life and the Lord our God that she has. But I am learning a lot from her. Learning about myself, about the Lord, and countless other things. I wasn't able to catch up to current day with her blog and it will take me several sittings to do so, but I so enjoyed it. God has given her a gift and although she found her outlet through an unfortunate series of events I am sooo glad she chose to share her deepest thoughts and feelings with whomever wants to take the time to read a bit. Thank you Lord for Angie Smith.
That being said, my reflections brought me to a place within me that I didn't particularly care for. A place that I want to change, for the better. Yes, I believe Jesus is my Lord and savior and I have for as long as I can remember. However, my relationship with my Lord is not what I want it to be. I want more and I know He does too. I want to find, or rather make, the time to just sit and talk to Him and listen for His response. I want to hear Him talk to me and know that it is Him and not just MY own mind. I want to learn how to do that. I want to teach my kids about that personal relationship that He wants to have with them and get them started on that now. I want to read the bible cover to cover. I want to be able to quote the bible with reference. You'd think I could do that after all these years, but no matter how strong my faith is I have not been disciplined enough to learn all that.
The thing I learned that disturbed me the most and brought me to tears just as the story of Audrey Caroline did is that I think I have been taking things for granted. That is not who I thought I was. I thought I was good at being thankful and aware of how blessed I am, but I certainly didn't feel that way last night. I am soooooooo blessed. The Lord has blessed me with a wonderful family, a nice home, food, clothing, two jobs, and so much more. I NEVER want to take that for granted and although it was painful the return to reality is much appreciated.
I also felt like I am not the parent I could be. That I am not enough for my children as I am. I want more for them. I want better for them. So, I'm going to be better in whatever ways I can...in every way that I can....every day!
Well, I've had enough emotion to last me for awhile so I'll stop there for now and hopefully I'll be blogging again soon with better thoughts and happenings.
So my final thought for you is to be thankful for all you have. Thanksgiving is fast approaching so lets take some time to really think about all the blessings in our lives and be sure to thank the one who gives them to you as well.
God Bless each and every one,
Lisa
